Podcast

Hannah Brooks on Minimizing Challenges In Relationships as a Highly Sensitive Person

Some of the questions Ashley asked in this conversation…

  • You’ve been married twice, once before you became a relationship coach for HSPs, and you recently got married again—and are very happy. What do you attribute the big difference between the two marriages to?

  • How is your approach to love and relationships different now that you’re a HSP in a healthy relationship?

  • What’s your favorite tool or strategy that you can share with us that will help the listeners that are struggling to be understood in their relationship?

  • What’s your favorite tool or strategy that you can share with us that will help the listeners that are struggling to be understood in their relationship?

  • I know you have 3 boys… How does that effect your relationship?

  • What are some of the main challenges that HSPs have when it comes to relationships?

  • How can we overcome these challenges?

  • What are you working on now that you’re excited about?

  • To all the listeners out there that are struggling with confidence and are feeling down, could you please give them a word of encouragement?

Here is the in-depth conversation…

Ashley: 00:00
Okay. Hello everyone and welcome to the rewire show. Thank you so much for joining us. I am here with Hannah Brooks and so excited. Welcome Hannah. Thank you Ashley. I’m super excited to be here with you. Uh, this is such a treat for all of you. A lot of you probably already know about Hannah. She has made her way out into the interwebs. I found her all over the internet and that was, it was easy to find her. Um, but for those of you who do not get no Hannah, let me introduce her to you. Hannah Brooks is a relationship coach and sensitivity expert for smart, sensitive, caring women who want a more fulfilling and loving relationship, but find themselves easily upset and irritated with their signifi r. I’m sure none of you can relate. They’re tired of feeling resentful, frustrated, disconnected and lonely in their relationships that they’re not sure how to make things better.

Ashley: 00:58
She helps them reconnect with their partner and create an intimate, supportive and peaceful relationship that they want when we’re, they feel at ease, appreciated, and on the same team as their partner no matter what. She’s also a writer who’s been featured on elephant journal, tiny Buddha, introvert deer, and divorced moms. So without further ado, let me introduce you again to Hannah. Thank you. Thank you. So, um, we, we started chatting just a little bit before this and we were like, we got to start recording right away because this is such a big topic. We’re so excited to talk about relationships with highly sensitive people and um, I know that a lot of the viewers, a lot of the people who are either listening or watching right now have a lot of questions about being in a relationship because I’m, you know, I’m, I’m gonna have you be the expert here and talk about it, but a lot of them, you know, just as I suggested within your bio, a lot of them do struggle and have some challenges.

Ashley: 02:01
And so, um, we’re gonna get into all of all of the goods in a couple minutes before that, I would love if you could sort of start from the beginning and tell me a little bit about you and the journey that led you to starting your business and doing this.

Hannah: 02:20
Yeah, well it’s been a long journey with lots of little pathway that I wandered off, but it definitely starts way back when I was a kid. I, my, my parents got divorced when I was five months old and um, and even, you know, it was a messy before that while I was in the womb and uh, and so, and then my dad was married multiple times as I was growing up, married and divorced and my mother remarried and it’s just been married now for 3 years, almost 4 years. And, but both, both sets of parents had a lot of. I got to witness from the inside. The difficulty is right. And they were very different difficulties to a certain degree. Like, you know, my dad’s cycled through women, I stuck it out and, and I know as a little child I just, I remember being really aware of like feeling them really like in myself, like feeling their challenges inside me, like feeling the tension and feeling the discomfort and also seeing how it could be different between them. Especially like I could see what was going on even as a little kid.

Hannah: 03:46
And that was sort of fascinated. I always kind of wanted to be like I wanted to step in and mediate, you know, that was my instinct and I also kind of understood that it wasn’t my role, but I could just see how they could love each other. They could stop fighting all the time, you know, and anyway, so that’s why that happens. But in somewhere along the line, through my life, maybe some time in high school or college, I just got this really strong sense that my purpose was to help people feel connected. And that was kind of how the message came to me. Like it just some form or another I was meant to help people feel more connection in some way. I’m kind of a vague a big thing. And uh, so, so as I went through college and, and my, I got really interested in, in.

Hannah: 04:46
I actually went to massage school right out of college and it was really, really fascinated by the mind and body connection. And so that my career world kind of, it was a winding path for sure. And I, um, I ended up studying yoga for emotional wellbeing, so emotional balance and um, and just getting really interested in that psychosynthesis, which is kind of like psychotherapy kind of. So I did spend a lot of time studying all of these things, um, and eventually it led me to life coaching and I wanted that piece of like, how do I know all this amazing stuff, like how do I really work one on one with people because that was my passion. Um, and so that really was amazing and wonderful. So that’s my career world and how that of tied in. And then I’ll get to the last little piece in a second. But then there was my marriage, my first marriage, we were together since we were 21. We were together for 14 years and um, we had two kids and we were kind of young and idealistic and we, we really struggled especially because when, once we dug into having children together and building a home, which we did like technically by hand, we were like hardcore idealist actually building.

Hannah: 06:12
We are really interested in natural building. And I’m like, Straw Bale. We moved off grid and, and this whole kind of crazy building of our homestead kind of while you’re raising these little kids and both trying to build their own little businesses and me trying to figure out what it was and I was doing and it was exciting and wonderful. And somewhere in that, after that all I realized that like really got that I’m a highly sensitive person and that he is too. And we didn’t know that, like we already knew what it was. I sort of had read about it in college and not really gotten it a really believed that it was a truth thing or um, yeah, a lot of people out there so many categories. But um, so it’s easy. Right.

Hannah: 07:15
And um, so I mean, I think ultimately that. Yeah. Anyway, a lot of stuff happened there and mostly it was just feeling overwhelmed constantly and exhausted. Not Understanding that our relationship was important to both of you are overwhelmed constantly or you. Yeah, that makes total sense. And, and so eventually we got divorced, but it was, it was in that timeframe. And then for the many years afterwards that I, because my life coaching training happened right at the end, like right while we’re going through a divorce, sure. It’s like all these amazing tools sort of after a certain point. And I just realized like, oh my gosh, that my purpose here is to help people feel connected. I remembered that and I went through this really challenging experience with this divorce and we came out at like, he and I are such good friends still, which I, people kept commenting as that’s so easy. Like how did you, how did you stay as such amazing friends with this person that you went through a divorce with? And I found this other amazing new relationship and um, and that I felt like everything that I learned from that last relationship, I was able to apply really well in this new relationship. And, and then I just realized like this is what I meant to do. I meant to help people navigate and learn the skills and, and, and reinvigorate their committed relationships.

Ashley: 08:55
That’s great. I love long stories. It works like details. I’m a details person. So. And it sounds like you, you found a new relationship pretty soon afterwards.

Hannah: 09:09
It was, it was pretty soon afterwards. And I only asked that because it seems so synchronistic. It’s kind of like very crazy relationships that assume you know, because everybody says that. But I had been, it had been a long dissolve, the marriage, I was actually consciously calling in a person like I was ready. I was ready. Yeah. So okay. So you had a marriage and you had two children have your children. Um, but now you’re onto another marriage and I know that, you know, from you and I speaking before and from me looking at your social media there, it looks like there’s so much beauty and so much love and so much connection and I’m wondering, you know, what’s sort of different now or, or what are you doing differently now?

Ashley: 10:05
What do you attribute the big difference too in how you have a healthy well functioning relationship now versus before? That’s a good question. I, um, I mean there’s many things, but I think the biggest thing has really been understanding that I am highly sensitive and taking responsibility for that. Like, like really getting that, that means that for me I need certain things that I wasn’t giving myself in the other relationship. And so that’s been huge and it’s challenge, it’s a challenge to create that for myself that time that I need for me, you that restoration that I need, but, but I make it happen. And the interesting thing that, the thing that’s I think that’s so fascinating is that the circumstances are not very different in my two marriages. Yeah. Like, like now we have three kids, right? And we, my husband and I now have another little boy and well we built a house together.

Hannah: 11:15
Well we want to Redo. I could do it differently. I’m going to read you this and it’s going to be awesome this time. There’s going to be these ways that I’m going to make a difference. And the main two things that really stand out to me are I’ve gotten how much I need to take care of me. Yeah. And not get depleted because I’m no good. What I will tell you, and I’m, my husband and I now are so good about taking, taking time to ourselves, you know, like it’s not always easy to make happen and it doesn’t happen as much as I wish it could have all these little kids, but it’s just, I put it, we put it first. So what does the conversation look like for some of the viewers who are, or um, you know, the listeners who are here with us right now.

Ashley: 12:16
What, what is that like having that conversation, you know, I need more restoration that I’m getting or just so, you know, going into this relationship I need a lot of frustration. Need a lot of alone time. Like what does that conversation look like? Can you give us any pointers so that we can have a healthy communication or connection with explaining ourselves? Yeah. Yeah. I think the biggest, you’ll probably hear me say this a couple times, but the first thing is getting okay with it inside yourself. Like you’re not going to be able to say it in a nice way. That’s easy for the other person to hear without feeling good about it yourself, or at least feeling like you kind of have a right to it like that. It’s important like understanding how important inside yourself it’s going to be much more genuine way and kind way that you asked for it.

Hannah: 13:07
Um, and I think that makes all the difference and you know, and you’ll probably hear me say there’s a bunch of times, but communications is and oftentimes end up trying to get things that we want by complaining or demanding or, you know, just accusing someone of not giving it to us even though we haven’t asked for it. Yeah. And so, um, so it is absolutely so important to be able to say it in a way in which that other person can kind of hear it. And oftentimes that might mean really this is important to me. Are you okay with us? Like how do you feel? Or like, Hey, what’d you be willing? If I’m willing to take care of the boys when I go take a couple hours.

Hannah: 14:01
Those are some little communication tips, but I actually think the easiest way and the way that I’ve, that the way that I really dealt with this, it’s actually kind of scheduling things. Oh yeah. I do have the conversation all the time, like 20 minutes. You might have it a few times a week, but like you have a bigger conversation than say like, Hey, like in fact this is my next move, like, hey, I’m really going for like a month without having a day fully to myself as I’m kind of having a hard time right now and all about if we try to make these, no, why don’t we schedule in one day a week where I can have some time to myself for the next three months.

Ashley: 14:53
It’s actually required for us. I mean this is not us thinking like or or expecting, you know, this like fluff extra time. I think a lot of highly sensitive people don’t recognize how essential this time is. Like really it needs to be woven into our normal routine and I’m so glad that you’re bringing this up because it is essential for the relationship to continue to be healthy too, right?

Hannah: 15:22
Like the number one. Well there’s like a top three things that are essential for highly sensitive people. It’s like breathing air. It’s like eating food, being quiet time or whatever it is that you love, rejuvenate you.

Ashley: 15:40
I totally agree. Okay. So I’ll ask you this question then. So how do you approach, I’m not sure if I’m asking this directly to you or if I’m asking you to give suggestions for them so you kind of take it how you please, but how do you approach or what is your approach to love and relationships and how is it different now that you’re a healthy, highly sensitive person in a relationship? So how is the approach different now or, or how can you give them any tips to approach love in a healthy way? I mean we’ve kind of talked about it a little bit, but what do you want to say about that?

Hannah: 16:18
Um, that’s it, right? That’s a giant time thing. But I guess we’ll find little nuggets there, but um, how, like one of the biggest differences now that I get that I’m a highly sensitive person, like it’s kind of just what I said, it’s like really taking ownership for my role in the relationship and my wellbeing, my emotional, mental, physical wellbeing, um, and, and really getting that. It’s not selfish greed so much. And I hope you all heard that. Can you just say that one more time? Because I think that that’s like it sent to me over and over and over again. People feel selfish if they’re uncomfortable, they make themselves more uncomfortable to make others uncomfortable. Right? I mean, again, because I feel like everyone really needs to hear this. It’s not selfish to take really good care of yourself. It’s not selfish. It’s essential and it’s kinder to everyone around you to.

Hannah: 17:28
It’s a gift to the people who you spend your time with to take care of you. And I totally know what it’s like to not take care of me and to watch the really bad effects that it has on the people around me. My husband, my first husband. And sometimes my, my, my new wonderful list, sometimes it still happens where if I get off track and I forget to take care of me and it shows a right up.

Ashley: 17:51
Yeah, absolutely. And so are you saying you can just get right back on track if you get off track? I know how sometimes it’s a lot easier than other times, right? Depending. But yes, I’m make it like the baseline, the Goto like, okay, see I’m getting a little funny here.

Hannah: 18:14
I make it happen and sometimes it’s not as much as I wish it was. And sometimes it’s more than enough.

Ashley: 18:21
Absolutely. I don’t even think that I got as much as I wanted before I had kids and now it’s a little different. It’s definitely harder. So I hear you. I agree and you know, it’s so essential and I see, you know, I see my disposition. It is reflected in my child. Like when he is off, I always know I need to work on me and it makes it, makes it better for him right away. Not Selfish. It is such a gift to those around you. I’m glad that you said that because I feel so in alignment with that and I so, so deeply agree with you and I’m going to put it in a quote underneath this video so everyone can read, receive that information. So I always really loved to give some tools or strategies. So what is your favorite tool or strategy that you can share with us that will help the listeners that are struggling to be understood in relationships? Maybe.

Hannah: 19:26
Okay. So I love that and I love it. I think it’s so interesting because we do, we do say we want to be understood, right? And that’s really common. Like I feel misunderstood. I feel like he doesn’t understand me and um, and that’s like, it’s kind of a broad concept, but I think when we say that what we’re actually saying is, is I really want to feel heard, oh, I really want to feel accepted. I really want to feel acknowledged. I really want to see, feel seen or I’m connected. Because the reality is like there’s even, even if our partner is highly sensitive, it doesn’t mean that they can walk in our shoes right away, that they can feel 100 percent and experienced hundred percent what we experienced. So understood. It’s a little bit tricky. We might never fully understand another person, but we can absolutely feel acknowledged. We can absolutely feel accepted. So. So I think a practical tip around that is when we’re feeling like that they don’t understand is actually just sort of do the counter intuitive thing and what I do, what I call a one 80 for like flip back and turn the attention back to yourself and be like, what is it that I actually want to like, what do I actually want to feel? Yeah, what do I want to experience?

Hannah: 21:07
And so I want to know what I really want us to feel loved, what I really want us to feel acknowledged. And then you’ll be clear on how to go get it. For example, if I like, sometimes I can give that to myself, which kind of sounds a little weird, but oh, I want to feel accepted. I want to feel, you know, cared for. I can’t do that in the moment and that will make me feel better. That will make me feel even if it’s just one degree and then I can then go, go share what I want or need with, with my partner in a way and this is so key in a way that they can hear right in a way that they can understand in a way that they can receive. Absolutely. Absolutely. And I always do that within my relationship with my husband also.

Ashley: 22:14
I find that when I just like, this is just reiterating exactly what you said when I’m feeling misunderstood, I will, you know, pause for a moment and ask myself what is it that I’m actually trying to get out of this? What is it that I want him to see? What is it that I’m actually asking of him, you know, what is it that I’m lacking here in this moment that I’m trying to get from him or from myself? And then I find what that is and I will lay it out simplistically obviously like to the point where I’m like, this is so silly. Like he doesn’t need me to say it so simply. But he’ll be like, oh, why didn’t you say that? Because you know, honestly, a lot of highly sensitive people are like mind graders. We’re not always right because we are, but they’re not.

Ashley: 23:04
He gets it like a look to the side. Like he knows everything that just went out of my head. Right? I mean I know when he does that. Now I need to fully explain it.. his is what was going through my head. This is why I said this is what I wanted you to say, but you did it. And I was looking for. And he’ll be like, oh, I guess that. And so many of us go, Ryan certainly where I used to go wrong and sometimes fall back into this is, is instead of just like laying it all out, like you just said, in a kind of. Hopefully in a neutral way. And that’s what I want to say, like an uncharged way, a way that they, the way where they, there are defenses don’t go up their defenses kind of where they can feel safe. That’s really good. Say it in such a way that doesn’t trigger them. Um, uh, yeah. And um, but what oftentimes happens, that’s what it was going to say is, is that we say it in a way that they can’t hear, like kind of accuse or like or like complain. That was one of my primary strategies. Like before I’d even ask him like, you’re not doing that, but just like, Hey, I love it. It’s really good. I really like is.

Hannah: 24:30
And it can come up in other ways too. Like we can try to control how they behave and, but that’s so that neutral, that neutral way of delivering it or even sort of that open vulnerable way that’s authentic to what you want to feel understood. To be acknowledged and seen and loved. And I love what you’re saying and I feel so aligned with what you’re saying. I totally, totally agree with you. One of the things I teach my students a lot is when you say something to someone that they can’t receive, like for instance, your spouse, right? You know, in an, in an aggressive manner or something you think is simply just you saying it, but it puts them on the defense. They can’t really receive it. I will. Laws of the universe. When you tell someone something they can’t receive, they will not only resist what you’re saying, but they’ll almost try to prove you wrong in their head because that’s the laws of the universe.

Ashley: 25:32
When you tell someone something that they can’t receive. So I’m. One of the simplest ways that I always suggest is just in your head. Ask Yourself, if I say this, can they receive it? Which just ask yourself in your head before you get a no, don’t say it or ask yourself, can I say this in a way that they can receive it? And maybe it’s a softer way or a way that’s more in their language, you know, whatever it is, you know. Um, my husband and I are both like fast, intense. So we often just talk that fast, intense. He’s not everybody’s like that. So it’s always, it’s always very kinds of asks first like this, can they receive it? So I am. I’m so into what you’re saying. I totally agree with your name and I’m so glad that you’re out there sharing this because I think it’s so helpful. And so I wonder also, I’m really curious because you have three boys and so how, how does, how does that affect your relationship? You know, three boys would be in a relationship.

Hannah: 26:29
But it’s, it’s definitely, it’s a funny. Elaine Aron who, she, she talked about like if you only have one category, totally, I’ll totally high energy. It’s, it’s intense for me. I get overwhelmed by that and that energy around a lot. And for us I think, I think really what it does is it motivates me to be even better at this or even better at making sure that my husband and I get alone time. And again, to go back to what I was saying before about scheduling things, I actually wrote an article on um, an elephant and elephant journal about actually scheduling your connection and it sounds kind of funny, but it’s absolutely works. We like literally have our week somewhat planned out like this, like Wednesday night is our connection made and where we, we’re, we’re boys, we’re making sure the boys are in bed on time on that night and they know like they don’t think you were an athlete that night and we just have our little like, you know, chat or something together that we like to do. So. So yeah, I mean it’s a dance, right?

Hannah: 28:05
But I think that that’s been one of the huge keys for having these three wonderful and using loud chaotic boys is just really making sure there’s time for all of us together. And then there’s time where we’re or separate.

Ashley: 28:19
and you know, I’m hearing in my head, I’ve interviewed a lot of people over the years, not just for the podcast, for telesummits and things that I’ve done. And I’ve heard other people talk about how they schedule their lives in their business and then with their partners as well. And my husband and I were constantly scheduling our lives together. We have a joint, you know, online schedule and we send each other invitations and accept them and we have all these things scheduled as well and it really works well for us and we’re quite connected in and in synergy because of that. And the only reason I’m bringing it up is because over the years to really successful people, my perception of success, I don’t mean like making lots of money, although a lot of them do, successful, happy, healthy, well balanced individuals that, that seem grounded, you know, that’s my more success.

Ashley: 29:10
Enjoy the passionate about what they’re doing. Those people are scheduling their lives and their relationships as well. And so I, I see a theme and I like it that you’re bringing it up. And then the other thing I wanted to say is that for me, I, I’m not like a super spontaneous person, but I’m also not like a super rule based person. And so sometimes I think the thought of like scheduling your life seems very monotonous and not fun, but I think it gives us more space to have fun when we do schedule time for fun. You agree?

Hannah: 29:40
I absolutely do. Yeah. It’s kind of like, I like to think of the metaphor of like, like when we’re a wonderful painter, white canvas that’s in a square, it’s in a box, right? So it was already like a structured and then we can get wild and crazy with that or like to learn how to play.

Hannah: 30:02
Like really, I’m like structured, right? You need to learn how to play and that’s sort of feels confining. But the way that you get to be an amazingly creative, free flowing player by giving structure.

Ashley: 30:17
And that’s so true. That’s a great metaphor.

Hannah: 30:20
I can always throw, throw, you know, you can be spontaneous within prior to there and that feels even more mild.

Ashley: 30:31
Which I’m sure everyone here listening. Well breakers listening than real following. You’re making your own rules so. Right, exactly. There you go. That’s a good point. So, all right, so, so back to. I’m highly sensitive people in relationships. So what are some of the main challenges that highly sensitive people and their relationships, what are some of those common themes that you use?

Hannah: 30:58
So I mean, there’s quite a few biggies and there’s a lot of different little ones that I’m not going to get too into. That’s okay. I’d love to go to the big house, but one of the big ones is a sense of inadequacy insufficiency or an insufficiency and low self worth. Right? And that’s whether or not they’ve gotten to the place where we really get, um, you know, because we felt we felt different our whole lives. No. Why? And, and I think that, that, that is, I find that that’s the bottom of so many relationship issues if it doesn’t look like it from the top, but when you dig, dig, dig, like what’s really going on here? It’s like I don’t feel lovable.

Ashley: 31:52
Wow. Wow. So how do you, I want to ask you, how do you overcome that challenge? But that feels like a mega, mega, mega question. So what are some suggestions that you can give people who are not feeling loved or feel like they’re not worthy of being loved or feeling inadequacy, like the things that you’re talking about, those big challenges that you’re seeing so frequently. What do you say to those?

Hannah: 32:19
Yeah. Well, and this kind of this, this really, you know, self doubt, low sense of self worth low confidence. It’s all pretty much the same, right? It’s completely different colors of the staff. Um, so it’s absolutely like it’s my main program that I offer it to the phone is foundational for samples. So we work with like self love and self love so we can fill that. That’s someone else’s job to feel that sense of unlovability.

Hannah: 32:59
Like it’s actually really, it’s not like it happens to us. It’s not like we are good and there’s nothing we can do about it. Right? When we’re, when we’re kind of like believing that we’re not good enough and lovable enough, that actually is a practice we can practice feeling good about ourselves. And I think this might actually make a little bit more sense at the end after I’ve talked about a little, a little bit of the other things and I can give some sort of practical ways to how to, how to feel more confident and kind of how to, how to deal with that. Would I like to call the wounds of the heart?

Hannah: 33:45
We all, most of all of us can have that at some deep level. It is deep work about like some practical is to have that a little bit later if you’re, if you’re okay with that right here. Okay, cool. We don’t have too much more of this interview so you can, you can jump into it now. So for one thing I like to tell people is completely, totally human to feel self doubt and lack of self worth. Um, it’s like in our DNA, I think it’s actually part of our protection mechanisms so that we could way back in the day stay part of the side.

Hannah: 34:29
Like it pushed us to do better and kind of want to fit in more. And of course if we didn’t feel like we are fitting in, we would sort of feel bad about ourselves in order to then be motivated to get back in, if that makes sense. Yeah. So that’s the one thing I like to tell people is like, it’s totally normal and human to sort of feel insufficient on one level, but we can, we can counteract that. We can kind of counteract that by, by building self beliefs. Yeah. And so we can consciously, like one of the practical tips that I love to have people do is actually like, is build that part of our brain that neuroplastic you now are these things. So we start to look at what’s good people do this for their partners as well when they’re finding their partner to be insufficient, which is huge, right?

Hannah: 35:29
Like they’re not getting, they’re not doing a good enough job at this. And so literally take out a pen and paper and writing down your goal can be 50 year old, could even be higher in write down little tiny things that are wonderful about you or that are just good about you. Right? It could be as little as like, I love the way my little pinky finger nail curls or like I love that I. and so, so wanting my kids to be happy or that I care so much about how people feel in the world. You can come up with wonderful less about yourself, little things that you love and that will start to get your room, are oriented to what’s good about you painting yourself in that direction. Yeah, and it’s like I said, it’s a practice that’s just one, one little tool, but, and I know it can feel like a stretch for people and definitely had people be like this because they don’t believe in it much.

Hannah: 36:35
You know? And, and I think that what I’m hearing you say is to really focus on things you really, truly are grateful for that you really do love about yourself. And you can start with, I like this about me. It doesn’t have to be about me. I’m awesome. Right? Because it doesn’t need to be believable. Like I love how me as an I at public speaking when I don’t really feel that way. Great to say. Yeah, like I love that I have good taste in clothes. Yeah, absolutely. I’m glad that you bring that up because I do think a lot of people will look in the mirror and they’re like, I love my body, I love my body, but the body, and then what are you actually asking the universe for Maura, it’s really an energy. It’s an energy thing, but it’s also like, yeah, what you pay attention to, increasing create.

Hannah: 37:26
So it changes the neural structure of your brain when you start to pay attention to other things, you know the good things. Absolutely. Absolutely.

Ashley: 37:35
That sounds so helpful for relationships, especially as a highly sensitive person and it’s like, again, it’s just reprogramming your brain like you’re saying and and there’s a baseline, you know, you’ve got to start somewhere, so don’t judge yourself for it being too small or insignificant. It’s. We all had to start there.

Hannah: 37:52
And exactly. You’ll be able to find bigger and bigger things. My partner, like I said, like, well, we can kind of do the same thing. I think one thing that, one of the problems, the challenges for highly sensitive people, another one is when we get overstimulated, Biggie, Biggie, when we get overstimulated, it’s a lot easier to see what’s so that I don’t know if you know about the negativity bias of the brain.

Hannah: 38:17
It’s easy to see what’s wrong when we don’t feel good. That’s basically what it is. When we don’t feel good, but yet would you don’t feel good. We see that we feel worse and then we act bad. Yeah. Yeah.

Ashley: 38:28
I like to say that I haven’t heard it like that, but that makes perfect sense. That’s very memorable. Absolutely, man. Thank you for sharing all of that. I think that’s really applicable. Practical stuff that we can implement right now to really help our relationships at the most foundational element and it will just trickle up to allowing your partner to see it in you and for you to feel better in a relationship. I can totally see how that’s really helpful. Thank you for that. I know that you and I, before we started recording, you had mentioned that there might be something that you’re excited that you’re working on, so are you working on anything right now that you’re really excited about?

Hannah: 39:13
It’s interesting. That really ties into what we were just talking about. Yes. I mean, I bet most best. My favorite thing is my dad, which is unleash your lenders need big program where we had some leisure love, unleash your love. Um, but I’ve had just added a new program that I’m really just put the ice mound mccade, that little little, little, small little, little, uh, program and it’s called calm. Your triggers, triggers, right? We all have triggers in those. Triggers are really likely. That’s where we get. We get triggered by something and we don’t actually so great. And then over time that can really cause problems in a committed relationship that can be really hard to maintain if things are always getting triggered, really deteriorate.

Ashley: 40:15
I just wonder, I wonder some people might not know what a trigger is. Can you give us some example of a couple of triggers just so that they know what to look for

Hannah: 40:22
So we’ll figuring out what’s at the bottom. It is what is what I do, but a trigger. What I. When I say trigger, I think what they mean is like something that pushes our buttons. Like the reason we’re our buttons are getting pushed. The reason we reacted. We get reactive, you know, poorly to something. Or our husband says like we might get mad and say something or we might get mad with my shut down or we might say something in a tone of voice because we pick up on that so easily. That’s sort of judgy and we hurt and again, we might lash out. That might be, that’s one behavior that gets triggered, retaliate and say something mean or another way that we get triggered as we shut down.

Hannah: 41:10
And that’s what I mean. And what those actually are times back in is oftentimes that’s that you’re not even aware of like the sense of insufficiency or a sense of unlovability and we’re trying to prove that to that person. To our sweetie. We are lovable., believe that Blah Blah Blah because they

Ashley: 41:39
I do find it so many of us are so easily triggered and I even, you know, when, when my son went into this New Year of school, I was like asking his teachers like, have I explained to you what his triggers are? Like do you know, because I think our children are also highly sensitive. I have had a Highly sensitive of child so, so clearly I need to like explain to the teachers, you know, he is a highly sensitive child and these are his triggers and these are the ways that you can call them if that happens. And so, you know, sometimes it’s like it needs to be explained and to our partners as well. Like again, if you’re a person not getting a relationship and you meet a new person, like maybe not initial contact, but eventually these are some of the things that might trigger you trigger me, you know?

Hannah: 42:21
Yeah. So great to be able to own that and then share that. That would really be careful about expecting them to do what we like. We don’t want them to be someone who has to walk on eggshells around you had said that right in the beginning is to take responsibility and we can look at our triggers. The triggers that are there are not inevitable. We can make them go away, we can come. That’s why they might not always be there to some degree, but we can make that such a lasting effect on ourselves. And I’m going, wow, that’s a big conversation that we just opened up a whole program for that.

Ashley: 42:58
Certainly because I think that that’s one element within what you do, um, that a lot of people don’t know. There’s so much information available and I love how now you didn’t say it just like the bit of my head, I almost see it like you are unpacking it and like getting down to it so that people can download and figuring out what’s, what’s really at the bottom of all this.

Hannah: 43:21
You can address that and the rest of the stuff just kind of like, it softens and kind of melts away and just isn’t as much of a problem. Yeah.

Ashley: 43:29
And then if you’re triggered, you might not be as reactive until it’s, like you said, softer, softer, softer. Very cool. Very cool.

Hannah: 43:39
I totally like, you’re able to interact in a way with your husband or partner that again, like is a way that that person can really receive and actually like magnetizes them to you.

Ashley: 43:51
Like, oh, isn’t that amazing to that, you know, how to, to. That’s a thing. But we can do magnetizing the magnetic, you know, I mean there’s a science behind that. There’s like information behind that to empower you to understand how to be that. That’s so cool. All right, well we’re finishing up here. Obviously you and I could talk for so long. Uh, one of the things I really love asking our experts who come on is to all the listeners who are out there struggling with confidence that are feeling down. Can you just give them a word of encouragement?

Hannah: 44:37
Yeah. So it’s like I said, it’s so human, right? I just wanted to say that because when I learned that I was highly sensitive person, just to understand that that’s like the things that I have going on for me or normal made me feel so much better. It took a level of that anx about what happens in my life and inside of me. It made me feel better. So understanding that like having the competence, it’s okay. Like it’s normal. It’s okay. Especially. Yeah, especially as a highly sensitive person and that you can build that. You really can build that up in yourself and if you can’t do it easily on your own, you can borrow my belief. I see it go down the street and maybe as a highly sensitive person just happens to you too. And other listeners can relate. But like I can see everybody’s essence. Like you just, I can just say like, I look at a person, I’m like, oh, I can see that goodness. Whether or not they’re behaving right. And so I see that like if you’re feeling low confidence and I would actually see you, like I would see how wonderful you are and that we’re all just born. Like if you think of yourself as a little baby, you were perfect and worthy and wonderful. Still that human being exactly the same human being with all that worthiness.
Hannah: 46:09
Connect with that, that just take it in a little bit instead of just, you know, just let it sink in a little bit, but I see, I see that beauty, goodness and beauty. I’m talking to you.

Ashley: 46:29
Don’t think it’s the person behind you or to decide if you’re listed in this is for you. And then maybe rewind and listen again if you thought it was for the person next to you, it couldn’t have a well, thank you so much. Can you please share with the listeners how they can stay in touch with you?

Hannah: 46:49
Yep. You can absolutely go to my website. It’s www.life is worth loving. That come is worth loving.com. And you’ll find links there to other things. Um, I do have a free gift that I offer that actually really talks about, very similar to the misunderstanding thing we were talking about, like how to, how to come and take a look at what you really want and then how to kind of discuss that in a, in a good way with your partner. Um, and so that’s there and you’ll find my programs and everything and links to my instagram. I think it’s instagram that Hannah Brooks love coach, a facebook page, which I’m sure you can click click to you as well

Ashley: 47:30
And all of those links will be right below this video so there’ll be easily accessible for you to click on them and stay in touch with Hannah and I hope you take the next steps with her and stay connected. And I hope that all of you will comment and like and share because we were both really love to hear from you. If you comment below, we’ll both look at the comments and we’ll both get back to you, right crazy hearing questions.

Hannah: 47:58
I love answering your questions.

Ashley: 48:01
Yay. Awesome. Well, we can’t wait to hear from you and thank you all so much for being here with us today and a very special thank you to Hannah. Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom and being here. I loved having you.

Hannah: 48:13
I love being here. It was my honor. Thank you so much. Ashley.

Ashley: 48:17
Are right everyone. We will see you in the next video. Take care. Bye.

Connect with Hannah Brooks

(Connected Relationship Coach For Highly Sensitive Women)

About the Author:

Ashley Stamatinos is a five-time #1bestselling author with over 10 years of experience helping Highly Sensitive People. She has also been referred to as the Empath Expert because of her extensive work helping people to stop living in survival mode, and step into thriving in all areas of life.

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